The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
Author: Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tine Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
Date finished: 2022
How strongly I recommend it: 8/10
Looking for proactive training of your kids? Not only does this book provide bottom shelf concepts about the brain, it provides lots of practical and memorable ideas for implementing with your kids. If you’re looking for a discipline book, this isn’t it’s focus. It’s great for helping you guide your child through immediate emotions of their problems. The authors care about equipping parents and caregivers with how to be a guide through the emotional journey of children. There are a lot of helpful comic-strip type of drawings I won’t mention here.
MY HIGHLIGHTS
The key to helping Amanda was for me to attune to those real feelings gently…I allowed myself to feel what she was feeling, then tried to communicate from my right brain to her right brain. Using my facial expressions and posture, I let her know that I was really tuning in to her emotions. That attunement helped her “feel felt” (20)
When a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs. We call this emotional connection “attunement,” which is how we connect deeply with another person and allow them to “feel felt.” (24)
Chapter 2: Two Brains Are Better Than One (Integrating the Left and the Right)
Strategy #1. Connect and Redirect: Surfing Emotional Waves
It’s also crucial to keep in mind that no matter how nonsensical and frustrating our child’s feelings may seem to us, they are real and important to our child. It’s vital that we treat them as such in our response. (24)
Strategy #2. Name It to Tame It: Telling Stories to Calm Big Emotions
One of the best ways to promote this type of integration is to help retell the story of the frightening or painful experience. (27)
What kids often need, especially when they experience strong emotions, is to have someone help them use their left brain to make sense of what’s going on—to put things in order and to name these big and scary right-brain feelings so they can deal with them effectively. This is what storytelling does: it allows us to understand ourselves and our world by using both our left and right hemispheres together. To tell a story that makes sense, the left brain must put things in order, using words and logic. The right brain contributes the bodily sensations, raw emotions, and personal memories, so we can see the whole picture and communicate our experience. This is the scientific explanation behind why journaling and talking about a difficult event can be so powerful in helping us heal. In fact, research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere. (29)
Actually, telling the story is often exactly what children need, both to make sense of the event and to move on to a place where they can feel better about what happened. (29)
When we can give words to our frightening and painful experiences—when we literally come to terms with them—they often become much less frightening and painful. (33)
Chapter 3: Building the Staircase of the Mind (Integrating the Upstairs and Downstairs Brain)
I can’t be with my kids every second of the day. How can I teach them to do the right thing and control themselves even when I’m not around? (38)
Whereas the downstairs brain is primitive, the upstairs brain is highly sophisticated, controlling some of your most important higher-order and analytical thinking. (40)
The upstairs brain…it’s one of the last part of the brain to develop. The upstairs brain remains under massive construction for the first few years of life, then during the teen years undergoes an extensive remodel that lasts into adulthood. (41)
Sound decision making, control of their emotions and bodies, empathy, self-understanding, and morality—are dependent on a part of their brain that hasn’t fully developed yet…kids are prone to getting “trapped downstairs,” without the use of their upstairs brain, which results in them flying off the handle, making poor decisions, and showing a general lack of empathy and self-understanding. (41-42)
Our amygdala…always alert for times we might be threatened…what allows us to act before we think. (42)
The problem, though, is that especially in children, the amygdala frequently fires up and blocks the stairway connecting the upstairs and downstairs brain…not only is the upstairs brain under construction, but even the part of it that can function becomes inaccessible during moments of high emotion or stress. (43)
The best way to ease him through this crisis…is to soothe him and help him shift his attention. (43)
It’s unrealistic to expect them always to be rational, regulate their emotions, make good decisions, think before acting, and be empathetic…Just knowing this and adjusting our expectations can help us see that our kids are often doing the best they can with the brain they have. (44)
An upstairs tantrum occurs when a child essentially decides to throw a fit…never negotiate with a terrorist. An upstairs tantrum calls for firm boundaries and a clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behavior…By providing this type of firm limit, you’re giving your daughter practice at seeing the consequences of her inappropriate actions, and at learning to control her impulses. You’re teaching her that respectful communication, patience, and delayed gratification pay off—and that contrary behaviors don’t. Important lessons for a developing brain. (45-46)
A downstairs tantrum is completely different. Here, a child becomes so upset that he’s no longer able to use his upstairs brain. The lower parts of his brain—in particular his amygdala—take over and hijack his upstairs brain…The stress hormones flooding his little body mean that virtually no part of his higher brain is fully functioning. As a result, he’s literally incapable—momentarily, at least—of controlling his body or emotions, and of using all of those higher-order thinking skills, like considering consequences, solving problems, or considering others’ feelings…An appropriate response to a downstairs tantrum is much more nurturing and comforting…You may have to hold him close and calmly talk him down as you remove him from the scene…Once he is in a more receptive place, you can also talk about appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and about any possible consequences…You discipline can now maintain your authority—that’s crucial—but you can do so from a more informed and compassionate position. (46-47)
Strategy #3. Engage, Don’e Enrage: Appealing to the Upstairs Brain
Every time we say “Convince me” or “Come up with a solution that works for both of us,” we give our kids the chance to practice problem solving and decision making. (52)
Strategy #4. Use It or Lose It: Exercising the Upstairs Brain
The upstairs brain is like a muscle: when it gets used, it develops, gets stronger, and performs better…Our job is to provide our kids with opportunity after opportunity to exercise their upstairs brain so that it can grow stronger and more powerful. (52-53)
Sound decision makin
We need to give them practice at making decisions for themselves…Considering several competing alternatives, as well as the outcomes of those choices, gives a child’s upstairs brain practice, strengthening it and allowing it to work better. (53)
Controlling emotions and the body
Even small children have the capacity to stop and think instead of hurting someone with their words or their fists. They won’t always make good decisions, but the more fully they practice alternatives other than lashing out, the stronger and more capable their upstairs brain will become. (54)
Self-understanding
For a younger child, have her draw pictures that tell a story. The more your kids think about what’s going on within themselves, the more they will develop that ability to understand and respond to what’s going on in the worlds within and around them. (55)
Empathy
When you ask simple questions that encourage the consideration of another’s feelings, you are building your child’s ability to feel empathy…Simply by drawing your child’s attention to other people’s emotions during everyday encounters, you can open up whole new levels of compassion within them and exercise their upstairs brain. (55)
Morality
Another way to exercise this part of the brain is to offer hypothetical situations…In doing so, you give your kids practice thinking through mora and ethical principles, which, with your guidance, will become the foundation for the way they make decisions for the rest of their lives. (57)
Strategy #5. Move It or Lose It: Moving the Body to Avoid Losing the Mind
After a few minutes of exercise, he was able to calm his amygdala and give control back to his upstairs brain. (58)
Chapter 4: Kill the Butterflies! (Integrating Memory for Growth and Healing)
Implicit memories cause us to form expectations about the way the world works, based on our previous experiences…If. you hug your toddler every evening when you come home from work, he’ll have a model in his mind that your return will be filled with affection and connection. (72)
Unless kids can make sense of their painful memories, they may experience sleep disturbances, debilitating phobias, and other problems. So how do we help our children when they’re suffering from the effects of past negative experiences? We shine the light of awareness on those implicit memories, making them explicit so that our child can become aware of them and deal with them in an intentional way…What kids really need is for parents to teach them healthy ways to integrate implicit and explicit memories. (77)
There’s a part of our brain whole very job is to do just that: to integrate our implicit and explicit memories…It’s called the hippocampus. (77)
Strategy #6. Use the Remote of the Mind: Replaying Memories
One of the most effective ways to promote integration is to tell stories. (79)
Your goal is to help your kids take the troubling experiences that are impacting them without their knowledge—the scattered puzzle pieces in their mind—and make those experiences explicit so that the whole picture in the puzzle can be seen with clarity and meaning. (83)
Strategy #7. Remember to Remember: Making Recollection a Part of Your Family’s Daily Life
When you give your children lots of practice at remembering—by having them tell and retell their own stories—you improve their ability to integrate implicit and explicit memories. (83)
Chapter 5: The United States of Me (Integrating the Many Parts of the Self)
“Mindsight”…understanding our own mind as well as understanding the mind of another. (93)
Those fears and worries were definitely part of him, but they didn’t represent the totality of his being. (95)
This leaves them confusing the difference between “feel” and “am”…Instead of saying, “I feel lonely” or “I feel sad right now,” they say, “I am lonely” or “I am sad.” The danger is that the temporary state of mind can be perceived as a permanent part of their self. (97)
The point is that the physical architecture of the brain changes according to where we direct our attention and what we practice doing. (99)
By directing our attention, we can go from being influenced by factors within and around us to influencing them. When we become aware of the multitude of changing emotions and forces at work around us and within us, we can acknowledge them and even embrace them as parts of ourselves—but we don’t have to allow them to bully us or define us. (102)
Strategy #8. Let the Clouds of Emotions Roll By: Teaching That Feels Come and Go
It’s very important that kids learn about and understand their feelings. But it’s also true that feelings need to be recognized for what they are: temporary, changing conditions. They are states, not traits. (103)
Strategy #9. SIFT: Paying Attention to What’s Going On Inside
Help them learn to SIFT through all the sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts. (105)
Strategy #10. Exercise Mindsight: Getting Back to the Hub
Mindsight exercises lead to survival which can help kids manage their anxieties, frustrations, and, for older children, even intense anger. But these strategies lead to thriving as well…Watch for ways to help your children learn to be still and calm at times and find the deep-ocean peacefulness within their hub. (114)
Chapter 6: The Me-We Connection (Integrating Self and Others)
Empathy…It’s a developmental issue, not necessarily a character problem. (120-121)
Every brain is continually constructed by its interactions with others. Even more, studies of happiness and wisdom reveal that a key factor in well-being is devoting one’s attention and passions to the benefit of others instead of just focusing on the individual, separate concerns of a private self. The “me” discovers meaning and happiness by joining and belonging to a “we.” (122)
At the most complex level, mirror neurons help us understand the nature of culture and how our shared behaviors bind us together, child to parent, friend to friend, and eventually spouse to spouse…mirror neurons may allow us not only to imitate others’ behaviors, but actually to resonate with their feelings. (124)
The brain is actually reshaped by our experiences. That means that every discussion, argument, joke, or hug we share with someone else literally alters our brain and that of the other person. After a powerful conversation or time spent with an important person in our life, we have a different brain. (125)
When relationships are cold and people are essentially distant, critical, or competitive, that influences what the child expects relationships to feel like. On the other hand, if the child experiences relationships full of nurturing warmth, connection, and protection, then that will become the model for future relationships—with friends, with other members of various communities, and eventually with romantic partners and their own children. It’s really not an exaggeration to say that the kind of relationships you provide for your children will affect generations to come. We can impact the future of the world by caring well for our children and by being intentional in giving them the kinds of relationships that we value and that we want them to see as normal. (127)
Strategy #11. Increase the Family Fun Factor: Making a Point to Enjoy Each Other
The more they enjoy the time they spend with you and the rest of the family, the more they’ll value relationships and desire more positive and healthy relational experiences in the future. The reason is simple. With every fun, enjoyable experience you give your children while they are with the family, you provide them with positive reinforcement about what it means to be in loving relationship with others. One reason is a neuro-chemical in your brain called dopamine…it enables communication between brain cells…Dopamine is a chemical of reward—and play and fun are rewarding in our lives. (131-132)
Recent studies have found that the best predictor for good sibling relationships later in life is how much fun the kids have together when they’re young. (133)
The amount of enjoyment they share together should be greater than the conflict they experience. (133)
Strategy #12. Connection Through Conflict: Teach Kids to Argue with a “We” in Mind
With the mirror neuron system already working, all kids need is for us to help them make explicit what their mirror neurons are communicating. (137)
To sincerely want to make things right, a child must understand how the other person is feeling and why that person is upset. (138)
